Matthew and Arianna

English Paper

2011-01-30T23:20:00.000-08:00

My english paper had been eluding me for days until in the middle of studying my psychology textbook I felt this urge. I pulled out a blank sheet of paper and wrote this.

Can I accept how wonderful this is without acknowledging that it will stop being true in a few days? My hand on his knee as he drives us somewhere meaningless, the worn thread of his jeans more important than any person who wants our company. He asks me to read so I clear my throat and begin, happy to share this with him, anything with him.

Later, he pulls out his laptop. I feel his excitement as he starts to show me pictures of his other life, his true reality. My mind rejects these images and stories he tells. Who is this man in uniform, standing next to Iraqis. All their faces, even his, are preserved with the same scowl. I wonder to myself why they would take pictures if they were all unhappy, and he answers my thoughts with a laugh. They want to look tough in the photos, and they are offended if you don't imitate them. So my husband scowls with these men that I don't understand. He shows me children and mountains of trash. The interpreters, the soldiers, the sand.

Our two forks clink together in our huge bowl of spaghetti. Kissing with orange, buttery lips. There is nothing better, nothing more satisfying. Yet I still have an undercurrent of anxiety. The back of my mind is a river, rapids against rocks, fears and thoughts. He's leaving again. He's not real. I'm not real.

I am his dream. He says it over and over. To the soldiers, home is a pleasant dream and Iraq is their true life.

His uniform is flame-retardant. Velcro and zippers create a barrier between us that feels less like cloth and more like miles.

Thoughts twist and churn while I try to be strong. Tears leave guilt, wet on my face.

This dream is ending. I must wake up.

Having Matthew home with me was the most incredible thing. He is everything to me. I can't even describe it.

Fear

2010-12-15T00:11:00.000-08:00

I usually try to post happy things on this blog, but I'm tired.

I'm tired of all the horrible things that keep happening to me.

My last therapist thought I suffered from PTSD from multiple traumatic experiences. And that was before I got hit by a car and had a man with a gun try to rob me. I have enough trouble trying to be psychologically stable without all these horrible things happening to me.

I don't want to live in fear.

I don't want to be afraid that somehow my old stalker will sneak back into the country and find me, or that some other creep will take a liking to me.

I don't want to freak out when I cross the street or walk through a parking lot because a car could hit me.

I don't want to be terrified of being in my own home, of going downstairs to do my laundry, of going grocery shopping, or of answering my door.

I can hardly breathe. I am filled with rage. I am angry at the people who do these things to me, I am angry that I am scared, I am angry that people think my husband should be home to "protect me." I have survived so many horrible things. I can take care of myself and I plan on learning more ways to efficiently protect myself.

I just need these things to stop happening.

I need people to find better ways to get money. I need people to look before turning in their cars. I need people to deal with their psychological issues rather than taking them out on others. I need people keep their hands to themselves.

I need to be able to sleep without having nightmares and night terrors.

I want to be free of this hate, rage and fear. But I have no idea how to do it.

-Arianna

Snowman and Icicles

2010-12-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

This is my first winter living in a place with snow. It is the weirdest thing ever.

Last week class got canceled because of blizzard warnings. According to the locals, that "blizzard" was wimpy. I spent the time in my house watching Star Trek and peeking out the window at the fluffy white stuff. A few days later it snowed even more and I've been living in a melting world since then.

I think the craziest part of this is the freaking icicles! They are monstrous! I had no idea that they really looked like that. Matthew keeps telling me that I need to hit them off so they don't harm the roof, but they are so cool! (Haha, cool...) They are like natural decorations!

When I first noticed them.

Now they are huge, but melting away.

Jeepers..

Every time I look outside, I feel like I should be playing. I guess I need someone to throw snowballs at. I did make a snowman today. I think I need practice.

I hope you are all having a wonderful December!

-Arianna

Dana's Birthday Party

2010-10-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

October is one of my favorite months. Matthew's birthday, Halloween, (Samhain), leaves turning pretty colors and lots of other fun things. My friend Dana has hosted pumpkin carving parties, and her birthday/costume party was last Friday. It was a blast!

Check out my pumpkin (right)! I picked the ugliest one I could find and gave it the goofiest face I could. I am very satisfied with the result.

Arianna (from Star Trek), Lizzie Borden, and Kiki (From Kiki's Delivery service)

Witches Brew!

I dressed as Arianna from episode eleven of season one of Star Trek: The Next Generation. The episode is called Haven and it is where my parents first heard the name Arianna. I was born to be a geek, and I'm proud of it.

I'm so excited for Friday, my sister in law, Kira, and I are going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Then I'll be handing out candy on Halloween. I'm sure I'll have many more fun pictures before the month is over!

Much Love,

Arianna

Bike Valet

2010-10-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

I started volunteering with my lovely sister in law, Kira, for the Bike Collective over the summer. We go to outdoor events like concerts and Farmer's Markets and valet bikes for free, watching to make sure that they don't get stolen. It has been so much fun. I have met so many great people, and got to hang out with Kira a lot.

Here's a picture of me doing the bike valet at the Farmer's Market a couple weeks ago.

I love this gig, and I can't wait for it to start up again next year. Another wonderful thing about volunteering there is that you get store credit for the hours you put in. This Saturday I went down to the shop and got myself a bike! For free!!

I love this old beast. It's a schwinn road bike, and it has a lot of character. I have been practicing riding in the street and I got to and from school today all by myself. Kira and I also rode down to the Collective to change the tube in the back tire. I've still got tons to learn about riding and taking care of my bike, but I have a lot more confidence after today. Another great thing about it is that I left for school thirty minutes later than normal and got there five minutes earlier!! I love public transportation, but the freedom I feel from having a bike is fantastic!

I am so stoked!

Much love,
Arianna

Package From Matthew!!

2010-09-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

College is everything I had hoped for, and more. My classes are challenging and interesting. I feel so motivated to do as well as I can, because this is bringing me closer to the career I want.

I love meeting so many different types of people. I got to talk to a girl from Nepal yesterday and learning about her culture was so exciting. I mentioned that I moved out of my parents house at age 17 and she was taken aback for a second. She said that she is not used to that because where she comes from the family stays together and girls don't move out until they get married, and then they'll live with their husband's family.

That made me think of this talk I watched on ted.com about choice by Sheena Iyengar.

I have become addicted to this site, and I highly reccommend checking it out. There's something for everyone!

In other news, I got a package from Matthew today!! His letter made me cry (happy tears, of course!) and laugh out loud. Here is one of his doodles from the letter.

He also got me a necklace and earrings from the airport in Ireland. He told me that flying over Ireland was incredible. All that green!!

A few weeks ago he asked me what my favorite colors were. I told him that I love purple, red and teal. Next time he asks that question I'll remember to only give him one choice, or else I'll end up like this again.

He is so sweet. I treasure every little bit of communication we get to share.

I hope you enjoyed that little update, but I must say so long for now. Homework awaits.

Much Love,
Arianna

In the Summertime...

2010-08-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

I was a busy bee this last month of summer.

My little sister came to visit and we went camping. It was oodles of fun! She can't wait to come back next year.

Matthew got to have a four day pass at home and it was the best four days of my life.

Then while I visited my family in California we went to the Star Trek Museum. I loved flaunting my major geek status.

Please note my awesome KHAAAAAAAAN! t-shirt and our Romulan Ale. Randy also fit right in with his wicked Borg shirt. My family rocks!

I don't normally drink carbonated drinks, but I suffered through the burning sensation to drink this Romulan Ale energy drink. It was worth it.

And here I am today on my first day of school as a college student. I had the best time today, and I'm excited for tomorrow to see what my other two classes are like. It's such an amazing feeling knowing that each day of school brings me that much closer to my goal of being a psychologist.

Now I'm off to force myself to sleep. I need energy for school tomorrow!

Much Love,

Arianna

Obstacles

2010-07-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

After weeks of feeling as if every time I got a handle on things some other obstacle would appear before me, I realized something empowering. Yes, ridiculous challenges have come up every day for me, but I have conquered every one so far! I guess I sort of expected a reprieve after working through so many problems and the fact that there wasn't one started to bring me down. But that's life! Everyday there will always be something and the fact that I've come this far and done so well under the circumstances makes me feel strong. I can't wait for Matthew to return home to find everything going smoothly.

Apart from running numerous errands in obscure parts of town and figuring out our finances at home, I have been trying to keep myself happy. I've been reading a lot and I recently watched a movie called Mirrormask. Neil Gaiman is one of my favorite authors so when I saw his name on the box I had to check it out. I watched it twice. He just tells the most amazing stories!

I have been setting everything up for school and I'm so excited! Classes start next month and I'm itching to be there already. But before that, my lovely little sister is coming to visit me for ten days at the end of the month! It will be wonderful to see her and show her my new home. I've been trying to come up with fun things we can do while she's here. It's too bad she'll miss Pioneer Day which I just learned about recently. I think it's funny that everybody here celebrates this holiday that I had never even heard of before.

I'm also looking forward to the couple of days that Matthew gets to be home next month. It is so hard being without him, but every time we're apart we come back stronger. I treasure every moment that I get to spend with him. Just a few hours ago I was thinking about how grateful I am that we are together this young. We have our whole lives to spend loving each other, and that makes me feel so incredibly lucky. I couldn't dream of a better husband.

Anniversary Fun

2010-06-23T06:30:00.000-07:00

Matthew and I celebrated the one year anniversary of our first date on Sunday. We had such a lovely day and took a few pictures to remember it with.

Here's Matthew outside the cafe as we waited for a free table for breakfast. It was so delicious and I'm glad we walked there because we ate so much. We also walked by the Adventure Church that we've been wondering about and the people there were really friendly.

We went to Build-a-Bear later in the day and Matthew got me this adorable teddy to keep me company. It was very sweet of him and making it was fun. I had never been there before and I thought the whole thing was really cute. When we were stuffing it the girl gave Matt a little heart to hold and told me to tell him to do things with it. The only thing I could think of was push ups, but Matthew did them happily. Well maybe happily isn't exactly right, but he did them with a smile anyways.

For dinner we got dressed up and went to an Italian restaurant called Trio and treated ourselves to an amazing dinner. I couldn't believe how delectable it all was, and enjoyed when we switched plates at the end to eat the rest of each others dishes.

I am so glad that we got to have that beautiful day together. These past few weeks have been incredibly stressful, so we definitely needed the break. I feel so lucky to be married to Matthew. He has been the perfect husband for me and the knowledge that we get to spend the rest of our lives together is comforting and thrilling at the same time. We have such a wonderful life.

With love,

Arianna

College!

2010-06-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Matthew and I went to Salt Lake Community College (SLCC) for my orientation and to register for classes. It was such a great experience and I can't wait for school to start. Everyone was very friendly and I feel much more prepared to start classes this fall.

I even won a t-shirt, because I was the person who'd travelled the farthest to be at the school. Matthew made me stand up and tell everyone I was from California. Aparently the guys behind us said "So why the heck did she come here?" while I was walking down to get my prize. Funny, that's what everyone in California said. But I don't care, I am loving Salt Lake City and I wore my SLCC t-shirt with pride the rest of the day (even though it was the ugliest t-shirt ever). Here's proof!

In other news, I love being married to Matthew. This time is so stressful for us, but he is always there for me. We are trying to enjoy this time as much as possible. So I'm off to go make us another romantic dinner, and we send everyone our love. Here are a few funny pictures of us from yesterday.

Much love!

-Arianna

Random Updates

2010-06-07T16:34:00.000-07:00

I got one of my wisdom teeth taken out two days ago, and I will be paid $550 dollars for it. I think the swollen cheek and pain is well worth it, especially since I would have had to pay more than that to get it done normally. I participated in a research study about the effects of a pain medication for wisdom teeth surgery. I don't think I'm supposed to say anything more about it, so I'll leave it at that!

I have been trying to keep busy while Matthew is at work, and I think I have been doing a fine job. I've been organizing our paperwork (why oh why is there so much of it?), meeting new people, going to see a shadowcast of Repo! The Genetic Opera, keeping the house clean and our stomachs full, and reading!

I've been switching between reading Man and His Symbols (edited, with an introduction by Carl Jung) and Neil Gaimans Sandman graphic novels. The combination of the two has led me to rethink my opinion about dreams. I have a lot of sleeping problems which include insomnia (luckily not as much anymore), extremely vivid nightmares, and night terrors. It is because of all those problems that I decided I hated dreams and wanted nothing to do with them. I forced myself to think of them as meaningless because otherwise they haunted my waking hours, and led to feelings of depression and anxiety. Now after training myself to let go of them for so long I find it easier to look back and think about what my unconscious is trying to tell me. I started to keep a dream journal by my bed, and so far I have not had any terrifying nightmares. Strange vivid dreams of course, but nothing that affects my mood during the day.

Well this has been a random sort of blog, but I wanted to write one! I was going to put a new picture of Matthew and I up, but since my cheek is swollen, I'll just put a couple of our wonderfully cute cats Rajah and Kasha. Thanks for reading and I hope you are all having a splendid day!

-Arianna

Where I Need To Be

2010-05-21T07:37:00.000-07:00

Matthew started his training here in Utah a couple of days ago, and I am so grateful that he's been able to come home at night. He won't be able to for every night of this training, but I'll take what I can get. I treasure these mornings with him. It's comforting to know that he's off to work with a full stomach, even if it means I have to get up so early to make him breakfast.

I have been stressing a lot about this upcoming separation. I realize that I have not been in the right state of mind to cope with this huge event. So I've finally kicked myself into gear and started to get back to where I need to be. I've been cleaning and airing out the house everyday. Last night I planted some seeds that my mom gave me for our new home. I hope they thrive!

The little one is meant to grow into a four leaf clover! Wouldn't that be awesome?

This next year is going to suck. There's really no use in sugar-coating it. Matthew will be gone for a year. I will be here alone in this wonderful, yet unfamiliar place. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. The way I see it, there are two ways that this year could be for me. I could melt down and be sick with worry every second until Matthew comes home. Or I could keep my chin up and find a way to make this experience into one of growth instead of despair and stagnation.

The latter will be a tough path to follow, but I know it's the only choice. I want my husband to return home to a strong and capable wife. I want to spend this year getting to know myself, and learning as much in school as possible. So I'm determined to fight my way through this fog and be the kind of person I always dreamed I could be. Wish me luck!

-Arianna

p.s. Here are some more wedding photos. These were pulled off of facebook so you can see them all there, or have me email them to you once I get the disc with the better quality pictures in the mail. Thank you everyone who came to share this with us, and thank you everyone who couldn't make it, but sent their love. We appreciate it!

Wedding Photos

2010-05-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since our last post, but I'm sure you'll understand. We got married and have been enjoying our new life together as much as possible. Here are some wedding photos! We haven't gotten the professional ones yet, but we'll post them when we do.

Much love from Matthew and Arianna Anstead!

New Home

2010-04-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

I love our new home. I love our new cats. This past week with Matthew has been amazing. I already feel that I've been welcomed into the Anstead family and it's so wonderful. I can't wait for the wedding.

Here are a few pictures from this week together. We really need to get better at taking pictures more often. I want to be able to remember this incredible life we're living.

I am so happy to be home!

-Arianna

Kaleponi

2010-03-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day working at Kaleponi. Last April I was floating. I was in San Francisco staying with a friend and I was going to stay there. I had been going through a rough patch and I felt lost. When I got the call for the interview something clicked inside me. I knew that I had to go back, that it was the right thing to do. I went back to my moms house and pushed myself out of the mental funk I was in. I began to explore my spirituality again and I felt wonderful. I got the job and I focused on learning more about myself.

Then Matthew came into my store and bought a sweater from me. A week later he came back and won my heart. It was the perfect time for me to meet him, I was ready for love at last. It is so weird to think about all the crazy things that had to happen in order for Matt and I to meet at that exact moment.

I am so grateful that I worked there. I made so many friends. I had almost given up hope on finding a job in this economy and Kaleponi really saved me. I will never forget squealing with happiness after I got hired. I will never forget when Matt came to woo me. My life changed that day, and my coworkers could see that something had changed in me. For one thing, I couldn't stop smiling to save my life!

So today was bittersweet. I am ready for this new life, but I will miss Kaleponi and all of my lovely coworkers. I hope I can find a job in Utah that I enjoy half as much!

Packing for Life

2010-03-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

There is just one month left until the wedding and only nineteen days until I fly out to meet Matthew in Utah. We haven't seen each other since we said goodbye at the airport on January third. I'm so excited. I can't believe it's really happening!

Yet when I walk into my half-packed bedroom I can't help but feel a little nervous. The last couple of times I moved I just took a bag of clothes and toiletries. I knew that if I really needed something I could take the bus back and get it within an hour. Now it's completely different. What I'm not giving to Good Will I'm taking with me and what I thought was my small amount of possessions seem to be filling a lot more boxes than they should. The daunting task of packing my fragile items has been put aside the past couple of days, merely because I don't know what I'm doing. I really should get moving though.

With everything else slowly falling into place, I feel very relieved. There are still some kinks to work out but I'm confident that everything will go smoothly. I'm just happy to be myself and lucky to have Matthew. I can't wait to see him again.

Big Smiles

2010-03-09T22:39:00.000-08:00

We're in the middle of the ten day period that Matt can't talk to anyone. That is why I was pleasantly surprised to wake up to his ring tone yesterday morning. I felt proud of myself for doing so well the past few days and his voice was like a reward. It made my week to have those fifteen minutes speaking to him.

Lately I have been letting stress overpower me, so before these ten days began I decided that I needed to come back into myself. It would be so easy to fall apart, but now that I'm feeling healthy again, I am so happy! It helps to think of Matthew. We are partners in this life now and knowing that gives me the boost of motivation I need to take care of myself. I want the best for him, so since I'll be his wife I'd better be happy! In order to really love him, I must also love myself.

So I'm beginning to feel that glow again with the help of healthy food, exercise, meditation, and keeping myself busy. I struggled for all those years with depression and in the end I gave up on doctors and medications and pushed myself out of it with those simple things. I find that if I focus on keeping all the little parts of my life in healthy working order, all the big problems become so much easier to cope with. And although those years were so dark, I am grateful for how they helped me grow. I understand my own emotions and how to deal with them. I have felt what it is like to have no hope, so now I can fully appreciate the gift of this beautiful life.

I feel ready for this next step, this huge change. I am so lucky to have Matthew. Being apart is so difficult, but we have chosen each other. In the end, it will be my hand in his and I couldn't imagine a better way to walk through life.

If we're this happy apart, I can't wait to see our smiles when we're together again!

-Arianna

Fairy Tale Come True

2010-02-27T21:40:00.000-08:00

Once again I found a stash of old pictures to scan and share. I found an adorable picture of my dear cousin Maddie that her dad had lost, and he was so happy to see it again. She has grown up so beautifully, and I am thrilled to have her as my flower girl.

This next picture always makes me smile. It's the story of my life. When I was born I was out in the world twenty minutes after my mom got to the hospital. There was no time for anything else, I just wanted to live! This picture just captures that drive I've always had. I am an independent person with an urge to live my dreams. Why wait?

I used to thrive on fairy tales. I knew what love should be and what beauty felt like. I sadly lost those dreams after dealing with so much pain. I no longer believed. But Matt is so romantic, so willing to show me how much he loves me, that I feel the beauty returning. I'm definitely not a princess, but he makes me feel like one.

When I was young I used to strike poses for every picture. I used to dance in the aisles of grocery stores and sing every day. Then I became extremely shy and reserved. It wasn't until I started doing theater that my dramatic flare started to show again. Planning this wedding is making me remember all of it. I want to sing and dance and strike a pose for every picture. I want to have my "True Love's Kiss" and live happily ever after.

I'm so happy that my Grandpa Ernie's band will be playing at the wedding. I love to hear them play and this may be the last chance I have to sing with them for years! I'd better start practicing!

I can't wait for this fairy tale to come true. We are getting so much closer and although the stress is not going away, I know that no matter what happens April 15th is going to be the most amazing day of my life. . . so far!!!

-Arianna

Old Pictures

2010-02-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

Last weekend my Dad and I decided to scan a bunch of our old family photos, along with our collection of autographed pictures. It's so nice to be able to look at them all whenever we want now. Its also made me realize that I have a lot more pictures that I need to scan before I leave. I love being able to share my memories.

Looking at the pictures from my parents wedding is so great. They both looked so wonderful, and it seemed like a lot of fun.

Wedding plans have gotten no less stressful lately. I can't figure out the caterer until more people RSVP so that I get an idea of how many people will be there. Since I will be going to Utah on the 4th of April and coming back on the 12th with Matt, right before the wedding, I need to get plans set before I leave. It feels like too long to wait to see him, yet it feels like not enough time to get everything done.

I really hope that things will start falling into place soon, because I don't want the week before with Matthew to be stressful. I want to just relax and spend time with him, because he is it. He's the most important person in my life and every minute we get to share is precious. I can't wait for the day to come where we promise ourselves to each other, forever. I can't imagine a happier moment.

Off to "Cow Town"

2010-02-12T20:09:00.000-08:00

It seems as if my "To Do List" for the wedding gets longer rather than shorter. It can be quite discouraging at times, so this weekend I'm taking a much needed break from it all. I'm going to Vacaville to visit my Dad, which is always like a little vacation. Although my Grandma and I will probably do some wedding planning while I'm there, it will be refreshing to get away for a couple days.

Yesterday I went to the dreaded DMV and took the written test to get my permit. Now I just need to learn how to drive. . . Preferably before the wedding, but it's going to be tough. Also I am just a little bit terrified. The last time someone tried to teach me it took ten minutes (at least) for me to put the keys in the ignition. I just don't want to kill people! It also didn't help that the very same day that person took me out driving, they ended up totaling their car on the way home. (I wonder who that could have been.)

I'm so used to Santa Cruz with it's wonderful public transportation system. I wasn't planning on needing a car until I finished college! It's alright though, I needed to learn someday. I couldn't be happier with our plans so I've just got to squash all that fear into a tiny little box and pretend it's not there. I will be a great driver!

I can't wait to get to Vacaville to say hello to all my lovely pets. I've only been seeing them every couple weeks now, and pretty soon I'll be gone. So I want to get in plenty of time with all of them. At my mom's we have three cats (Baxter, Griselda, and Steven) and one very old dog named Mandy. At my Dad's we have an abundance of cats. Xena (the Warrior Princess), Buffy (the Vampire Slayer), Sylvester, Wicket (the Ewok), and Logan (like Wolverine because she has extra claws). And R.I.P. dear Chewy. You are sorely missed!

Bridal Expo!!

2010-01-31T17:45:00.000-08:00

I just got home from a day at the Cocoanut Grove for their annual Bridal Expo. From ten in the morning to four in the afternoon I was surrounded by sweet-talking vendors and other Brides To Be. There were beautiful decorations, flowers and gowns everywhere, and more cake than I could imagine. There were tons of cute wedding favor ideas and lovely raffles and discounts and pretty much anything you might need for a wedding.

I went with my mom's best friend Nancy and her friend Andrea. They will also be getting married soon, so we had lots of fun talking about our plans. Halfway through the day we all got our hair done for free by a lovely woman from Shawn Cavlan Beauty Co. For the rest of the day I had people asking if they could take pictures of my hair, and another hair dresser kept going on about how it was "a work of art." It was definitely fun to get the special treatment all day.

I always love getting my hair done. It's so relaxing. We were at a booth in the gorgeous "Sun Room" while a fashion show was going on and I just closed my eyes and listened to the beauty school students ask the hairstylist how the heck she was doing whatever she was doing. She asked me about Matthew. I never get tired of talking about him. When I tell people about how we met, or how he proposed I can't help but smile and get goosebumps.

I tasted so many wonderful dishes and cakes. I'm not much of a cake person so I was surprised by how many I loved. It'll be tough deciding what flavor to go with. I also loved these adorable little cookies that you can have made to match the bride and grooms outfits. They were delicious as well!

I loved watching the Men's Warehouse fashion show because the models were so hilarious. They were over the top and I couldn't stop laughing. I was shocked by a few dresses that were modeled though. A little too risque for a wedding, at least in my opinion. There were some adorable kids dressed up too (hopefully they didn't see that dress) and it made me so excited that I get to have my little cousin Madison be my flowergirl. She is going to shine.

Today was a great day. Five dollars for wonderful free food and lots of great ideas. Even though my budget is really tight, I believe that this wedding is going to be beautiful. Heck, it'd be beautiful in a parking lot. I am getting married! I will be Matt's wife and he'll be my husband. I don't think anything could be better than that.

I am so excited. Married life is getting closer and closer. And now after all that walking around in heels, eating cake, and being treated like a queen, my feet hurt and I want to talk to my guy. He's so much sweeter than any treat and he makes me feel more like royalty than any boot-licking vendor ever could. I love him.

Gratitude

2010-01-27T21:32:00.000-08:00

Gratitude is one of the most uplifting emotions. I am so grateful for my life, for Matthew, for this earth that we live on. When I let gratitude fill my heart and mind I become overwhelmed with a feeling of happiness and clarity.

I am so thankful for everything that has brought me to this point. I have no sadness or regrets about my past hardships because without them I would not be the person that I am today. I would not be with the love of my life. The way we complement each other is amazing. We are so open with each other and I can honestly say that I have never felt as happy and complete as I do right now. It is so hard to be without him, but we have become stronger and closer because of it.

And though I don't regret my past, I am finally able to let go of it and move on with my life. I have (quite literally) cut away the blackness that was my depression and I am filled with hope for our bright future. Thank you.

So long black emo hair! It's time for me to start fresh!

-Arianna

The Storm

2010-01-20T18:52:00.000-08:00

The weather here in Santa Cruz has been frightening lately. It began with a sort of Mother Nature mood swing problem. Clear skies, and then suddenly there was no blue to be seen, all white and gray and pouring buckets. It went on like that for days as if it couldn't decide what to do. I felt as if my emotions were emulating the weather.

Luckily today I came back into myself. I feel grounded and whole. Strong. Just in time too, because shortly after I regained my composure my Grandma called to tell me about tornado warnings in Santa Cruz county.

I'm writing this blog on a notepad while I sit in my empty store downtown. Sirens keep blaring, and the wind is so crazy that it's pulling at the flimsy ceiling tiles. You can almost taste the storm on the air. I'm worried that I might not make it home to Felton tonight. If things get much worse the buses might stop running. Even if I do make it home the power might be out. Trees keep falling down, and when I walked over the bridge in Felton this morning I was stunned by the intense change in the river. Fast moving, murky waters just keep rising. If I get to post this blog tonight then that means it all works out. Here's hoping.

I feel that I should be more worried by the ominous clouds and groans of the building, but it's not overpowering my happiness today. I dealt with fears that had been bringing me down and I feels so complete now. I am ready to share my life with Matthew. The confidence and hope that I have for our future fills me with golden light that is too strong for any storm to darken.

When I feel down I think of my sun and it brings me peace. "This too shall pass." No matter how dark the world gets, the sun will always return to warm our hearts.

-Arianna

Matt's Introduction

2010-01-15T02:34:00.000-08:00

Ari has been lightly suggesting that I post something up here since it is our blog. Her thought was that I just do a sort of introduction. So here goes...

I'm Matthew Anstead, Arianna is my fiancée. I am currently working down in Arizona so that we can afford married life up in SLC. I joined the military a couple of years ago and they were nice enough to send me to Monterey. After about a few months there I had fallen in love with the city Santa Cruz and on June 20, 2009 I met the most amazing girl I have ever known. I was weird in a way only someone raised in Utah and Maine can be and I guess she found it alluring enough to want to spend the rest of her life with me :) If time continues to pass at the rate it has while we're together then in a couple of years I'll be forty.

Unfortunately the opposite effect takes place while we're apart. I'm not really going to say much about how it hurts except to say that if you've ever been in a hospital bed for months at a time with all of the bones in your body broken and nothing but a picture of grass as your window to the outside world you can probably relate...

However, wedding time is on it's way! We will be pronounced husband and wife exactly three months from today. And what better city to start in than SLC? I love Arianna so much and look forward to getting to know her better as well as learning how to live with her. We're going to be busy people, especially Ari for the next three months (I never realized how tough planning a wedding could be - still don't actually...). We plan to use this blog to update everyone, family and friends, as we traverse the world of marriage. Additionally it will be nice to look back and reminisce, seeing how far we've come. Speaking of which, I know even now I've come a ways, and anyone who knew me a few years ago could testify of that. You can see for yourself :)

Not that I wish to suggest that I love the short hair look, but being able to see has it's advantages...

Invitations and Registry

2010-01-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

I finished the invitations last night so today I have the daunting task of addressing envelopes. I want people to get the info as soon as possible so that they can RSVP and I can figure out a more solid number of guests. Here's a picture of the invite and if you have any questions you can email or call me. I hope everyone can make it! (By the way those numbers that look kind of like sevens are really ones.)

We've also been working on our wedding registry. Since we're apart we're doing it online. It's at Target and you can use either of our names to find it. It's really challenging trying to think of all the things we're going to need when we move in together. Imagine if we forgot about a can opener or something. I can just picture one of us going to open a can of soup and searching every drawer for an opener we never got.

I can't wait to live with Matt. We have so much to learn and we get to be with each other through it all. I know that no matter how hard things get we'll be there to hold each other, to listen, or just to be silly enough to make each other laugh.

-Arianna

Modern Technology

2010-01-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

Thank heavens for Skype. And modern technology in general. I may not be the most tech savvy person around but being able to talk to and see my fiance from miles away is so amazing. I know that I would have pined over handwritten letters and treated them like gold but you know what they say about pictures..

Wedding plans are coming together. Everyday something gets accomplished and I'm confident that it is going to be a wonderful day. My mom keeps wishing that we had more time to plan so that it could be bigger and fancier, but that is not what I want at all. I want friends and family to come together, to laugh, to cry, and to enjoy each others company.

This whole thing is about love. We're working hard to make it all it can be with this tight budget but in the end it's all about the people who come together to share this joy with us.

I want everyone to feel that golden light.

-Arianna

Greetings!

2010-01-06T23:09:00.000-08:00

Hey friends and family. This is our attempt to capture the memories of this frantic time in our lives. I keep a journal that I've begun to share with Matthew and he loves the thought of being able to look back on everything we've experienced together.

After the most amazing week of my life, we are now back to being apart, and I have never been so busy before. Apparently most people take a year to plan a wedding. Ours is in about three and a half months, but I couldn't be happier. The stress is a bit much, but it makes the time away from each other go by a little faster. I have no idea what a wedding is supposed to be like having never been to one since I was 5. I was never one of those girls that dreamed of my wedding day. I was a little overwhelmed, but now that things are starting to come together I feel great.

Matthew makes me feel like a girl. He makes me remember all of my childhood thoughts of what love should be. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I mean, come on. Look at that face...

I'll keep posting about how much this goof makes me smile, about my hectic wedding plans, and about how we're dealing with this distance. Can't we just skip right to the marriage part?

-Arianna